Abstinence-Only Education is No Education At All August 29, 2009

Abstinence-only education isn't

Abstinence only education is insidious. It does not teach students the things they need to know but instead attempts to indoctrinate them to a religious standard through the clever use of misinformation and outright lies. Curtis Porter, writing for the Administration for Children & Families (ACF), a division of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, laid out the guidelines for abstinence only education. These guidelines for “educating” students are an affront to progressive thinkers everywhere and abstinence-only curricula distorts the truth, bending it as far as it can without breaking it and, in some situations, snaps it completely.

Abstinence-only curriculum, according to ACF, must teach that a person’s life will turn out better if he or she waits until marriage to have sex. However, researchers Else-Quest, Hyde, and DeLamater, writing for The Journal of Sex Research, found that any attempt to form a causal relationship between premarital sex and negative life outcomes to be “unwarranted” (2005).

The curriculum must define marriage as “only a legal union between one man and one woman as a husband and wife, and the word ’spouse’ refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife” (p. 1), effectively sentencing homosexual teens to a lifetime of celibacy, along with any who do not believe in traditional marriage. The “one man and one woman” definition of marriage is one of a religious sentiment and one that the Iowa courts, among others, have deemed unconstitutional.

The curricula “must teach the psychological and physical benefits of sexual abstinence-until-marriage” (p. 1), yet the National Association of School Psychologists “believes comprehensive sexuality education is essential to promote the mental, physical, academic and emotional health of our children” (2003) and Lawrence Finer, writing for Public Health Reports, has found that 95 percent of the populace has had premarital sex by the time they are forty-four years of age (2007, p. 1).

The curriculum, and its teachers, are restricted on how much information than can provide to their students. The ACF states that “[i]nformation on contraceptives, if included, must be…presented only as it supports the abstinence message being presented. Curriculum must not promote or endorse, distribute or demonstrate the use of contraception or instruct students in contraceptive usage” (p. 1) (emphasis mine). The reason for the omission of comprehensive contraceptive education is explained by abstinence-only supporter, Linda Klepacki, who says that teaching children about condoms and abstinence, sends them a mixed message. She says, “In other areas of health education as well as abstinence, the highest health standard is communicated (i.e. alcohol, drugs, cigarette use, weapon carrying, etc.) The healthiest choice for school-age youth is to remain sexually abstinent.” However, this logic falls apart when applied to other activities. There are risks to playing football or riding in a car and yet we do not teach our children to abstain from those activities. Instead, he or she is taught the proper way to wear his or her protective equipment and a passenger is taught to wear his or her seat belt. In the same manner, so should students be taught the proper way to use sexual protection. In addition, they should also be taught the “rules” of the game. They need training in making good choices, choosing quality friends, developing and maintaining healthy relationships, sexual and not.

The ACF also states that the curriculum must contain material consistent with eight principles.

A. It is essential that the abstinence education curriculum has as its exclusive purpose, teaching the social, psychological, and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity (p. 2).

Abstinence-only supporters claim there are benefits to abstaining and yet Alan Farnham (Is Sex Necessary?), reports that regular sexual intercourse has many mental and health benefits, ranging from decreased depression to a reduced risk of heart disease (2003).

B. It is critical that the abstinence education curriculum teaches abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-aged children (p. 2).

During an evaluation of five years of abstinence-only education in Arizona, “eighty percent of students reported that they were likely to become sexually active by the time they were 20 years old” (Hauser. 2004). Why is abstinence until marriage the expected standard? It certainly is not based in reality. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that over 70 percent of girls and 60 percent of boys report having had sex before they turn twenty (2009, p. 7). The expectation of abstinence until marriage is an expectation based on the morality of the religious and is, quite frankly, a ridiculous one. Time would be much better spent teaching students how to have sex in as safe a manner as possible once they choose to become sexually active; physically safe and psychologically safe as well.

C. Abstinence education curriculum must teach that abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems (pp. 2,3).

Subthemes to “C” are to give students the statistics and rates of failure for condoms and other contraceptives. Representative Henry Waxman found that “abstinence-only curricula contain false and misleading information about the effectiveness of contraceptives.” Several of the curricula cite a 1993 study (which was rejected by the Department of Health and Human Services), which states that condoms only reduce HIV infections by 69 percent. One curriculum states: “[T]he popular claim that ‘condoms help prevent the spread of STDs,’ is not supported by the data” (quoted in Waxman. 2004, pp. 8-10).

Uganda’s fight against the spread of HIV would suggest otherwise. Professor W. Phillips Shively summarizes Uganda’s success in Power and Choice. In 1991, the AIDS infection rate had reached about 15 percent. By 2005, it had dropped to 7 percent. President Musevini achieved this successful reduction when he began promoting the usage of condoms with his simple, straightforward plan. Titled ABC (Abstinence, Being faithful, and Condoms), his program was able to promote condom usage while embracing and encouraging the traditional values of abstinence until marriage and monogamy. Without the addition of increased condom usage, Uganda would not have seen the 50 percent reduction in HIV infection they’ve been able to achieve. (2008. pp 93, 94) Obviously, condoms work.

D. It is required that the abstinence education curriculum teaches that a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity (p. 3).

Buss and Shackelford, authors of Susceptibility to Infidelity, found that about fifty percent of married people will not remain monogamous (1997, p. 194). Marty Friedman, author of Straight Talk for Men About Marriage, cites on his website that 41 percent of the population is not married and 24 percent have never been married (2009) and yet, according to Lawrence B. Finer, PhD, 80 percent of unmarried men and women will have had sex by the time they are 44 years old (2007. p. 74). Obviously, sexual activity regulated to within only a “mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage” is not the expected norm of human sexual activity and it is erroneous to prop up an unrealistic standard for youth and expect them to meet it when most adults to not.

E. It is essential that the abstinence education curriculum teaches that sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects (p. 4).

Representative Waxman found no scientific support for these statements. In fact, he writes that “one curriculum tells youth that a long list of personal problems – including isolation, jealousy, poverty, heartbreak, substance abuse, unstable longterm commitment, sexual violence, embarrassment, depression, personal disappointment, feelings of being used, loss of honesty, loneliness, and suicide – ‘can be eliminated by being abstinent until marriage’” (2004, pp. 20-21). Alan Farnham writes, “Having regular and enthusiastic sex…confers a host of measurable physiological advantages, be you male or female. (This assumes that you are engaging in sex without contracting a sexually transmitted disease.)” (2003). However, it is hard to engage in sex without contracting a sexually transmitted disease when one has had no education in how to go about protecting oneself. Abstinence-only education’s omission of education on correct condom usage is more likely to cause “harmful psychological and physical effects” than “regular and enthusiastic sex” practiced safely is.

F. It is critical that the abstinence education curriculum teaches that bearing children out-of-wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the child’s parents, and society (pp. 4-5).

Teaching a student about the harmful consequences of something but not providing him or her with the resources to avoid it – resources beyond abstinence – is worse than a pointless waste of time and money, it is negligence to the extreme.

G. Abstinence education curriculum must teach young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increase vulnerability to sexual advances (p. 5-6).

H. It is required that the abstinence education curriculum teaches the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity (p. 6)

Some of the principles of abstinence-only education are commendable. Attaining a degree of self-sufficiency before becoming sexual active is a good goal to shoot for. However, like many goals, there may be bumps along the road that abstinence-only education does not prepare a teen to handle. Teaching teens how to avoid unwanted sexual advances is good. Teaching them that condoms are ineffective is wrong. Teaching kids about the cost of parenthood is good. Blaming mental health problems on premarital sex is bad.

While abstinence-only education may appear to be the answer to STDs and unwed teen parents, it is doing much more to exacerbate the problem than to solve it. Logical fallacies, misinformation, outright lies – these seem to be the standard for abstinence-only education. As such, abstinence-only education needs to be removed from our school curricula. It has no place there; certainly not funded through public funds. Teens need to have real information, real facts. In short, they need the truth and not a thinly veiled religious curriculum based on unrealistic expectations of morality and lies about the effects of sexual activity. Sadly, many adults are unwilling or unable to teach their children the lessons they truly need: how to choose friends; how to choose significant others, for marriage or not; how to make good life decisions; how to be themselves in a healthy and beneficial way. These lessons are not easy. They are not easy to learn nor are they easy to teach but we are definitely not going to find an answer by propagating misinformation, religious bias, and lies.

References

Buss, David M. and Shackelford, Todd K. (1997). Susceptibility to infidelity. Journal of Research in Personality, 31, 193-221

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Sexual and reproductive health of persons aged 10-24 years – United States, 2002—2007, Morbidity and Morality Weekly Report. July 17, 2009/58(SS06);1-58

Else-Quest, N. M.; Hyde, J. S.; DeLamater, J. D. (2005, May). Context counts: long-term sequelae of premarital intercourse or abstinence. Journal of Sex Research. Retrieved August 22, 2009, from Find Articles database, http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_42/ai_n13822486/pg_8/

Farnham, Alan. (2003, August 10). Is sex necessary?. Forbes.com. Retrieved on August 23, 2009 from http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/08/cz_af_1008health.html

Finer, Lawrence B. PhD. (2007, January-February). Trends in premarital sex in the United States, 1954 —2003. Public Health Reports, 73-78

Friedman, Marty. (n.d.). Marriage and divorce statistics. Retrieved August 23, 2009, from http://www.meninmarriage.com/article05.htm

Klepacki, Linda. (n.d.). Abstinence Education: Myths and the Truth. Focus on the Family Issue Analysis. Retrieved August 23, 2009, from http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/abstinence/A000002153.cfm

National Association of School Psychologists. (2003, April 12). Position statement on sexuality education. Retrieved August 22, 2009, from http://nasponline.org/about_nasp/pospaper_sexed.aspx

Porter, Curtis (2006). Guidance regarding curriculum content. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children & Families, Family and Youth Bureau Retrieved August 23, 2009 from http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/fysb/content/abstinence/cbaeguidance.htm

Shively, W. Phillips. (2008) Power and choice: An introduction to political science. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill

Waxman, Henry A. (2004, December). The content of federally funded abstinence-only education programs. The United States House of Representatives, Committee on Government Reform – Minority Staff, Special Investigations Divisions

Unexpected Hero August 2, 2009

What makes someone a hero? Is it a person risking her life for someone else? Is it a person putting the greater good ahead of his own good? Is it helping others? There are as many definitions of hero as there are people on the earth. While there may be many definitions of “hero,” one definition stands out to me.

My definition of a hero is someone who inspires me to better myself. There are not many people who do that but are a few. The one I’m writing about here is not considered by many to be very talented. I have heard people say he is, at best, a mediocre actor and, at worst, a terrible one but I have cried as he acted the part of broken hearted husband. I have read interviews in which directors he chose not to work with have accused him of being egotistical and his response was, “If my ego is healthy enough to say, ‘I’m not going to do a . . . rehash of the same film just because you want me to do it quickly,’ that’s my ego! My ego is that big!” and I applaud him for remaining true to his principles. I have heard his co-workers tear him down spitefully and I have seen him time and time again, turn the praise to others; the directors, his mentors, his co-actors, or the audience. I have read posts by people accusing him of being nothing but a meathead, his success running on nothing but his biceps. The truth is, he has worked very hard and sacrificed a lot for the success he has had. More than all this, he has inspired me; inspired me to better myself, to make my own dreams come true, through his journey to do the same. Who is this man?

This man is Vin Diesel.

Many only know Diesel as an action movie star and, for many years, that was the only way I thought of him. This began to change during a season of boredom. I wanted to find some new movies to watch and, having just seen Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick for the second time, I began to look for other movies he had appeared in. What I found was a career history I knew nothing about. There were the movies I expected, The Fast and the Furious, xXx, and The Pacifier, in which Diesel plays “tough guys.” What I didn’t expect was Multi-Facial, Strays, and Find Me Guilty, in which Diesel plays serious and deep roles. I didn’t expect to find that he had written screenplays and directed and produced films. I didn’t expect to find a fellow Dungeons and Dragons fan. I didn’t expect to find a man willing to turn down millions because “the script just wasn’t right.” I didn’t expect to have a life altering experience by him encouraging me to invest in making my dreams become a reality.

Vin Diesel knows a little something about investing into one’s dreams to make them become a reality. He started acting when he was seven years old in the New York theater scene. In his early twenties, he arrived in Los Angeles, expecting to become a star. After a year of auditions and rejections, he returned to New York, as he has said, with his tail between his legs. He had not secured so much as an agent. Unwilling to let his dreams die, realizing he could no longer rely on others to dictate where his future was going to go, he started writing a short film. Two weeks later, he was shooting and, as he said to Charlie Rose, “That’s where it all started.”

There had been no scripts for Vin Diesel so Vin Diesel had decided to make his own. He saved $3000 and instead of spending it on a flat screen T.V., he took the money and invested it into his career. He wrote, directed, produced, and starred in his short film titled Multi-Facial. The film is about an actor who can’t get hired because he’s too multi-cultural. He’s not “black” enough or “white” enough or “hispanic” enough, just like Vin. Vin and the friends who helped him produce it took it to Cannes Film Festival but were unable to procure buyers for it.

Disappointed but not defeated by this set back, Vin returned to Los Angeles and, again, began saving money. He and a friend worked as telemarketers, selling tools and light bulbs. In the course of a year they saved $47,000. Like before, instead of buying something to “look” cool, like a new car, Vin invested into his career, returned to New York and wrote Strays. Again, he produced, directed and starred in his film. This feature length film was accepted into Sundance Film Festival and, like Mulit-Facial, received rave reviews but no buyers.

Luckily, Diesel’s investment into his career was not without gain. Steven Spielberg saw Multi-Facial, wrote a part for Vin into Saving Private Ryan and introduced him to the Hollywood movie scene. Following Saving Private Ryan, Diesel starred in a low budget but well crafted science fiction film, Pitch Black. The year after that he starred beside Paul Walker in The Fast and the Furious. The next year he starred in xXx. And with those two, Vin Diesel reached the stardom he had aspired to.

It is not this stardom, however, that made Diesel a hero of mine. No, simple stardom is not enough. Many people are movie stars. Many people work hard to achieve their dream of being a famous actor or actress. What caused Vin Diesel to stick out to me is his commitment to the art; the art of story telling, the art of character development, the art of cinematography; a commitment which I share deeply.

Vin is, at heart, an artist. Vin Diesel chooses parts that present a challenge to him as an actor, preferring multidimensional characters and anti heroes to picture perfect heroes who are hard for people to identify with. Regarding his character Xander Cage in xXx, he said, “where as the predecessors [James Bond and the like] represented a country, I think xXx represents the world. He’s kind of this proletarian hero, this rebel hero that’s recruited…Xander…doesn’t want to be a secret agent but he is a guy that’s called to duty and he rises to the occasion.” Vin chooses scripts that tell original but relevant tales. During an interview with Shawn Adler he talked about The Chronicles of Riddick, which he helped develop. Regarding pressure he was feeling to make the film successful, he said, “The second I was able [to make] this epic that didn’t spawn from a book that was in existence for 50 years, that didn’t come from a comic book character, that was completely an original project, I felt like I was satisfied.” He loves the craft so much that he turned down over 25 million dollars when he chose to forgo starring in the sequel to The Fast and the Furious. He turned it down simply because the script was shallow and did not advance the characters or the story line.

Diesel attributes his commitment to the story and his love of the role, largely to his love of Dungeons and Dragons, a fantasy role playing game. He will freely admit to a long history of playing, calling it the training ground for imagination and credits it for much of of his love of story. His ability to create and imagine stories comes largely from his experiences playing this game. Not only does he freely talk about his experiences developing characters or acting as Game Master, he also wrote the introduction for “Thirty Years of Adventure: A Celebration of Dungeons & Dragons.” In it he says, “[W]hat kept us hooked [on the game] was the search for the character that represented our higher self. Playing D&D was…an opportunity to explore our own identities.”

It is this, this love of imagination, this love of storytelling, this love of developing real and relevant characters that made Vin Diesel a hero. He said to Charlie Rose, “There was a point in my life when I realized I could no long rely on everyone else…I could no longer empower the negatives or empower others to dictate where my future was going to be.” To Jay Leno he said:

If there’s any message that I could tell people about making their dreams become a reality, it would be to invest everything you have in it and instead of going off and buying things that you think may raise your profile amongst your peers, go off and spend that money on something that’s going to help you realize your dreams.

When he said that, my heart responded with a cheer. My heart also broke with the knowledge that I had not been taking the responsibility for making my dreams become a reality. I was not reclaiming the control over the direction of my life. I was sitting by, relying on others to make my dreams come true.

A month later, after many talks with my husband and many thoughtful days spent pondering what my dreams really were, I enrolled in college. I was 28 years old and I was no longer going to rely on others to make my dreams come true. I was going to take what I had and invest it all into my dreams. I was not going to sit by and let others dictate where my life was going to go.

Vin Diesel is a man worthy of respect. First and foremost he is a man of integrity, remaining true not only to his art but also to himself. Secondly, he is a hero because he encourages others to look within themselves to see how they could better themselves by taking control of their lives and their dreams. These two things are what caused me to see Vin Diesel through different eyes; to see him as an inspiration to us all and especially to me.

Goddess of Horses July 16, 2009

She stood up and putting her hands in the small of her back, stretched, arching her back and letting her dark hair cascade down her back. She straightened and pushing damp curls away from her face, smiled at me. My brown eyes locked on her hazel ones as she extended a calloused and dirty hand to me. I took her hand in mine, marveling at the strength in it. I saw her beautiful, full lips moving and knew she was asking me a question but my ears heard nothing. I knew I was staring and also knew I would stare at her forever if she’d let me. As I felt her begin to pull her hand out of mine, I snapped back to myself and my brain registered what she was saying. As she asked again, what she could do for me, her voice was strong but gentle at the same time. Exactly the type of voice you would expect a goddess of horses to have. As I stumbled over myself, trying to explain about volunteering at the riding school for disadvantaged kids next door and asking if she was looking for any extra help, anything at all, I felt my hands begin to sweat and my face begin to flush. As I inhaled, trying to still my racing heart, she smiled, brightening the dark stall. “I’m always looking for good help. Let’s go into the office and see what you are interested in.” As she walked past me, I caught the scent of soap, both body and saddle and it made my stomach do flip-flops. When I walked out of the office twenty minutes later, a copy of my work schedule in my hand and love deep in my heart, I knew without a shadow of a doubt this was going to be the best summer of my life.

I wrote this for my writing class. Israel asked if I was writing about a lesbian love story. The answer is, “What do you think?”

Sleepless Nights and Jazz February 14, 2009

The other night, in an attempt to settle Jael down with some quiet activities, as both Israel and I were sporting severe headaches, Israel put on some jazz and instructed us to draw what the music made us see in our minds. I closed my eyes, leaned back against our wonderful couch and let the music flow through my head. And this is the picture it made:

Jazz; in colored pencil and charcoal

Last night as I fell asleep, I was thinking of a picture I’d like to draw and paint. I’d bought a few things at Micados, watercolor paper, water colors, and a new sketchpad, and I wanted to try them out. So while trying to pin down something to paint my mind slipped off to another thought. German. I began running through the German phrases we are working on in class and remembering vocabulary words (or trying to remember). I began to count as high as I could before falling asleep when the following picture popped into my mind and I knew it was what I would draw and paint. I call it, “Danke schön, Herr Trost, for all my sleepless nights.”

Danke schön, Herr Trost, for all my sleepless nights; watercolor and felt tip marker

These are the pencil drawings I did first. They are pretty cool in their own right.

Sleepless Nights; pencil

Sleepless nights, detail; pencil

That’s what I’ve been up to. That and having dreams which made me realize afresh that I am committed to always being the best Becky Walker I can be, wherever I am, whatever life situation I am in. The dream involved an old crush and you know how dream emotions are. When you wake up, you still kind of feel them. So as I tried to fall back asleep (which I was unable to do) I thought about what might have happened between this crush and I if my life situation had been different when we met (I was married). Then I wondered what might happen between us if something were to happen to Israel (which I in no way want but it’s always a possibility. Death grabs many people by surprise.). I felt a stab of guilt before I realized that there should be no shame in living life to the fullest. When we first met, I was very happily married and so there could be nothing beyond friendship. I would not trade what I have with Israel for anything. However, if something were to remove Israel from my life, I would not have any guilt about living my new life to the fullest. Each life situation has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

As a single person, all I wanted to do was get married. I missed out on a lot of things that a married person simply can’t do, like take off across the country on a whim, bungee jump, sky dive, things like that. I could have had an art room and really pursued various interests with no expectation put upon me. I love my family and again, would not trade them for anything, but having a family does put limitations on a person, as does being single. When I was single, I did not have a husband to spoon with at night. I didn’t have the stability of eating three square meals a day. I didn’t have the accountability of sleeping well. Of course, I had the option of staying up late and being crabby in the morning. I don’t have that option when I have a child to care for. There are advantages to both sides and I wish I would have taken advantage of those more when I was single.

I am incredibly happy that I’m living my married life to the fullest. There are so many things that are wonderful about being married. Fifty percent of my college tuition is paid for because of my husband’s job. I am living in Germany because of my husband’s job. I have one of the most amazing children in the world, who I could not have had without Israel. I have an expectation placed on me of cooking healthy meals, three times a day, which at first glance seems like a disadvantage but for my health, it’s an advantage. I have an expectation put upon me of being responsible with our money which results in me having better money skills and more money to spend. I have an expectation put upon me of not wasting our resources, which means I’m getting out walking more than I would if I were single. So beyond the obvious advantages of being married (I don’t have to go to work and I’ve got a built in bed warmer) the things that would appear as disadvantages are advantages if looked at through the right lens of living life to be the best you can be.

I love life.

I love where I am in life right now and I hope that whatever tomorrow brings, I will love that too. Life sometimes throws us curve balls that are truly horrible but I hope that no matter what I will live each moment as the best Becky Walker I can be. If life throws me tragedy, I hope I can be the best depressed artist/writer/blogger/crafter that Becky Walker can be.

Life is good.

Heads up! February 13, 2009

Just wanted to give you all a heads up regarding a new and fascinating blog. Actually, as many of you may know, I started blogging on Yahoo360 (the world’s worst blogging site) and blogged there for over a year. Not wanting to loose a year’s worth of blogs when Yahoo decides to can Yahoo360 (the world’s worst blogging site), I decided to repost them on WordPress. But I didn’t want to post them on here as they would be all out of order and it would weird things up as so much has changed since then. I mean, in one of my first blogs on Yahoo360 (the world’s worst blogging site) I write about how much I love the military life and how excited I am to be an involved ‘military wife’ etc, etc. Put that next to a blog in which I say, “I hate the Air Force. They are screwing Israel over. I never see him. Jael never sees him. His supervisors aren’t working 60 hours a week, why is he? He has to be at work but he’s not doing anything. The military did this stupid thing, that stupid thing. Blah blah blah.” It would just be confusing and weird.

So, the old blogs are at preladyrebecca.wordpress.com, and since I can’t make them archive as Winter of 2006 and on, I just dated each entry. The title of the first blog is November 6, 2006.

And I just want to add this little note. A lot of my views and opinions have changed in the last two years. The example above is only one example. If you read something and you feel it’s out of character for the person who’s writing LadyRebecca, that’s because LadyRebeccca is a constantly changing and growing human being. And if you are confused, please ask. That’s what the comment field is for. That and I love getting comments. It lets me know that people are reading my blogs, which makes me happy!

Midterm, quitting and a bit of philosphizing February 11, 2009

I got the only A+ in my class. I am really excited about that. I got a 100% but to be fair, the test was WAAAAAY easy like Herr Trost said.

We are working on more grammar stuff and it is really throwing my classmates for a loop. I wonder what they expected when they signed up for this class. One of the guys today got really angry at Herr Trost and was muttering about how this was a “fucking stupid class.” Another guy asked the same question he asked a week ago and, again, Herr Trost had to spend five minutes explaining it. I heard one of the guys mention he had to get a C in this class or else Tuition Assistance (the Air Force program to pay for college courses you take while enlisted) wouldn’t pay for it and he’d have to pay for it out of pocket. Language courses are hard. Very hard. Especially if you don’t know the grammar of your native tongue. I’m guessing there are probably four or five people who are going to fail this course, or at least get lower than a C. And I wonder what they will blame it on. Will they blame it on Herr Trost? The Air Force? The book? Themselves? Will they think they should have studied more? Will this be an enlightening experience for them in which they realize foreign language is not for them? Or will they simply decide that higher education is not for them?

I don’t know. I just wonder. I do not deal well with failure. I don’t know if I would continue to take this class if I were really struggling. One of the things I am really looking forward to about pursuing my degree is challenging myself. I am looking forward to the class that pushes me to my limit. When I left home and moved to Cedar Rapids, I took some classes at Kirkwood. I took some horse training classes and a photography class. I also took a writing class.

One of our first papers was supposed to be about an important event in our lives. I shared my testimony, or at least one significant part (though I can’t remember what it was). I got a C. I didn’t think I deserved a C. Grammatically the paper was perfect but the professor said I didn’t know my audience. I didn’t write to the audience; I assumed they would know what I was talking about. I didn’t explain who God was or what sin was; I assumed the people reading my paper had grown up in Western Christianity and spoke fluent Christianese.

At the time, I couldn’t see any of this and I thought he just didn’t like me because I was a Christian. Now, as someone who no longer calls herself a Christian and as someone who has learned to see things from others points of view, I can see that he was right. But at the time, I simply saw that I was “failin,” or simply not exceeding which to me felt like failure. I didn’t get an A. I didn’t even get a B. I got a C and I didn’t know how to fix it. So instead of going to my teacher and talking with him about it and finding out what I needed to do to improve, I dropped the class.

I quit.

And I didn’t take another college class until this German class. Why? Why was I so afraid of failure that I couldn’t handle a “C” paper, which in all honesty, was probably a “C” paper. I couldn’t handle it. I was distraught and broken.

What will I do when it happens again, as I am sure it will? Will I be able to work through it? Will I be able to humble myself and ask for help? Will I be able to take the constructive criticism and make it work for me or will I give up and cry? Will I be strong or will I be weak?

I just don’t know but I want to find out. I want to find out what my limit is. What if there is a brilliant geologist hiding in my brain? What if there’s a biochemist trapped in there? What if an archeologist or a war reporter or a talented artist is beneath the layers of complacency and safety I’ve wrapped around myself? What if I peel back the layers and it’s just me, with no layers? Will I be okay with that, too?

I don’t know.

But I aim to find out. Yay for me and my amazing brain!

Mein erste Blog auf Deutsch January 26, 2009

Das ist mein erste Blog auf Deutsh. Ich vorsetelle meine familie und mir. Ich heiße Becky Walker. Mein Mann ist Israel und meine Tochter heißt Jael. Wir wohnen in Deutschland. Ich komme aus Iowa, USA. Israel kommt auch aus Iowa, USA. Jael kommt aus Missouri. Mein älterer Bruder ist auch aus Missouri. Mein jünger Bruder, Mutter, und ältere Schwester kommen aus Iowa. Mein Vater kommt aus Kansas.

Ich arbeite zu Hause. Ich bin eine Hausfrau von Beruf. Mein Mann arbeite auf dem Flugplatz Spangdahlem. Er ist Mechaniker von Beruf. Meine Tochter ist Studierin zu Hause. Sie ist fünf Jahre alt. Sie ist im Kindergarten.

Ich lerne Deutsch im Klassenzimmer und kunst zu Hause. Israel lernt Wirtshaftswissenschaften an die Universität. Wir sind Studentin.

Meine Mutter arbeitet im Büro. Mein Vater arbeitet Außenseite, washt Fenster. Mein Schwager auch washt Fenster. Mein Schwester arbeitet im Krankenhaus. Mein älterer Bruder arbeitet im Fabrik und mein jünger Bruder arbeitet im Rock and Roll Band.

Deutsch ist Spaß.

This is my first blog in German. I am introducing my family and myself. I am Becky Walker. My husband is Israel and my daughter is named Jael. We live in Germany. I am from Iowa, USA. Israel is also from Iowa, USA. Jael is from Missouri. My older brother is also from Missouri. My younger brother, mother, and older sister are from Iowa. My father is from Kansas.

I work at home. I am a housewife. My husband works at the Spangdahlem Air Base. He is a mechanic. My daughter is a student at home. She is five years old. She is in kindergarten.

I am learning German in a classroom and art at home. Israel is learning economics at the University. We are students.

My mother works in an office. My father works outside, washing windows. My brother-in-law also washes windows. My sister works in a hospital. My older brother works in a factory and my younger brother works in a Rock-and-Roll band.

German is fun.

Friends and Emigration Don’t Mix April 10, 2008

I’ve had serious writer’s block. Not really sure why but I’ve been feeling unmotivated in all areas of life so maybe it’s just a symptom of whatever else is going on (definitely the most likely scenario). So, in light of my block, I’m just going to run through the things that have happened in the last few days.

We had some friends over Sunday night. It was a ton of fun. One of the guys brought a bottle of white wine and a bottle of red. Both were hands down the best wines I’ve ever had.

Israel and I have been trying to find a wine we liked for a couple of years now but have not had any luck. I think we’ve finally gotten somewhere. Besides the wine, we had a riot. We told poop stories and laughed until we cried. Jael was wonderful. She allowed the adults to talk and would occasionally have interesting or funny things to add. She’s pretty much amazing.

We (all of us as Israel is working weekends right now) went over to a friend’s house for lunch on Tuesday and again, just had a riot. She has one daughter about a year younger than Jael but because neither Jael nor this little girl have not been peer stratified, they couldn’t care less about the age difference. They played beautifully together. Not tears, no yelling–well, not in anger at least. (For those of you that have met my daughter in person, you know that an afternoon with no yelling is an afternoon spent asleep.) I think we are going to get to be better friends with this gal and her husband. I’ve not met her husband but I think we are going to like him. So, as is usual, I think we are going to make some good friends six months before we leave a place. Don’t it figure?

Or, my friends leave me.

Tuesday night, I went out with some friends. Ana* is moving Sunday. She’s been a good friend, the one who introduced me to the mom’s group I’m a part of. Her son is my daughter’s best friend. They love each other. Jael doesn’t run up to hug other kids but she does this young boy. We were at the mall one day and Jael and Ana’s son are walking through the mall, holding hands, when we pass a jewelry store and they stop to look into the jewelry cases. It was a Kodak moment so of course no one had a camera ready. So, on top of me losing a good friend (okay, she’s only moving 12 hours away but that’s a long drive with a four year old), my daughter is losing her favorite friend.

Another mom from the mom’s group (actually the other administrator-we are loosing both of the ladies who started it so a time of readjustment is definitely on the horizon), is also moving but not until the end of the month. I’d just started to get to know her when we found out she was moving. I’m glad for her as the move is the result of a great job promotion for her husband but I’m going to miss her a lot.

Then we had a friend over last night and dropped the “we’re moving to Germany” bomb on her by accident. I was positive we’d told her we were leaving but I guess we didn’t. She was asking if we were going to go to the Renn Faire with her. I asked when it was, she said November and I said, nope, we’ll be in Germany by then. This was met by a blank stare. A sad blank stare. This sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me we had just pulled the rug out from under this friend. She’d just gone through a surprise break-up and had to move back in her disapproving parents. She incredibly smart and talented (her art is amazing). Basically, she doesn’t fit her in the Deep South. She belongs in a more enlightened place. Israel and I have been a breath of fresh air for her. She has many intelligent friends online but few she can get together with face to face. If the military hadn’t brought us here, we certainly wouldn’t have been the book store where we met. Every intelligent and/or truly enjoyable person I’ve met down here has not so much come here as been sent here or has had to come due to circumstances out of their control. Business, military, military contracting. That’s it. People who are from here (sans this friend) we don’t like. People who really like it here, we don’t like. People who don’t like it here but stay for family, we don’t like. People who are chomping at the bit to escape, we like.

We might have to get a larger house than we thought when we move to Germany. We already have one friend who is planning on coming for a six month stay (for a start; if we can, we’ll keep her in Germany much longer). We invited this other friend last night as well. She scoffed (it is about a thousand dollar ticket and that’s right now. Who knows what it’ll be in a year or so) at the idea but we planted it. After this next election, she might be a lot more motivated to emigrate. So anyway…that’s been the last few days.

*name changed for privacy–that and I’ve not asked permission to throw other people’s names and personal information around online. Seems like if they are actually my friends (as opposed to my apartment managers) I wouldn’t disrespect them that way.

A little beginning with no planning whatsoever… March 17, 2008

I just started writing with no thought as to plot or characters or anything. I wrote the first line and then I wrote the second and so on and so forth. This is the little 600 words that happened…

I closed my eyes and wished I were in another place, another time, another body. Anything to escape this, to remove my friends from this. I heard the snapping of far off shots and held my breath, wondering if they would remain afar or if they would head our direction. Peter shifted and I felt his breath against my cheek. His arms around me were strong but I knew he must be tired. He was still weak from his own bought of illness and my weight, though less than before I got sick, would be wearing on him.

“I think they’re readying the next search. Are you ready to go again?” His voice was low, reaching only the ears of those huddled around him. Eric, a young farm boy from the next town over, watched Peter with eyes wide open. In the fading light of twilight, his eyes were the most prominent feature of his dark face. Fran, an orphan who, like me had gotten the sickness six weeks ago, lifted her face to look at Peter with dead eyes before lowering her head back onto her bony knees. She wrapped her lank arms, clad thinly in her hospital gown, around her legs, drawing them closer to her chest, squeezing into the smallest space possible. I knew she would not make it to the next stopping point without help, if at all. Gary, nodded solemnly from his position across from Peter. Gary was the only one of our group who had not been sick and I hoped he would be spared…at least until we were in a safe location. We would not be able to save him if his temperature sky rocketed in the first stage of the sickness.

I had heard talk of a few who were immune to the sickness and I hoped Gary was one of the lucky few. When I’d asked the nurse about it, her hands paused for just a moment from their massaging of my legs before she answered gruffly, “What you talking about, child? You running some more fever? You start talking craziness again, the doc, he’s gonna put you back on the drip.”

I had closed my lips tightly least I might say something which would result in being returned to the nightmare like landscape of the “drip” induced coma, or Dripma as it had been dubbed. I shuddered slightly in Peter’s arms, remembering the cold of the Dripma world. They said I was under for three weeks, longer than any other survivor, but I had years of memories from that place. Peter looked down at me, concern on his face.

“Do you need to rest longer, Janee?” His question was quieter than his last. I knew he worried about me more than the others but I, being carried, would not be the one to slow them down with requests to rest. I shook my head.

And that’s all, folks. This has been a free writing experience with Becky Walker. See you next time on, “No Planning Whatsoever.” Now, a word from our sponsor…