Ladyrebecca's Musings and Ramblings

The Increasingly Political Thoughts of Rebecca (Becky) Walker

*sigh* July 18, 2007

Filed under: Anecdotal — Addicted to Yarn @ 8:51 am
So I feel like I should write something but in reality I need to make supper (at least get it marinating), make some pasta for lunch, go have lunch with this handsome Airman, run errands with said handsome Airman, all while maintaining the high level of cleanliness we are currently pursuing for our home.

So I really should be doing those things. But I’m not.

Yesterday a friend of my husband’s friend committed suicide very publicly. For some reason it’s really gotten to me. I just can’t imagine never feeling the sun’s warmth on my face again. Or never again hearing the waves crash on the beach. Or never feeling little arms hug my neck. The darkness and despair that must plague one before they take such action must be beyond description. I couldn’t sleep last night. I just kept playing it through my head over and over again, trying to imagine what must have gone through his mind as he went to work that morning. Did he plan to do it that day? Did he lock his apartment knowing he’d never go back? Did he park illegally, knowing he’d never have to pay the ticket? Did he arrange for someone to feed his fish? What will his mom say when they tell her? Will she ever recover?

*sigh*

Sorry this is such a downer. It’s just bothering me. I didn’t even know the guy. I don’t know the guy who knew him very well. My husband’s not very upset. For some reason, I can’t get it out of my head. It just swirls there, rolling over and over, forcing me to look at it from every angle.

*sigh*

Well, I guess I can think of one good thing from this. I am most definitely not suicidal. As I lay in bed last night, I thought of all the things I have that make life worth living and I realized that I have a great life. My family is healthy. I am healthy. I have a loving husband and we are partners in life. I have a beautiful daughter who is smart and mostly obedient. There is beauty in the earth and in the heavens and in the seas. There is beauty in literature and in film and in music. There is freedom. There is life…life so abundant I feel sometimes as though I will burst with it. So much life…
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2 Responses to “*sigh*”

  1. CC Says:

    (Just to inject some humor to help cheer you up) What did your husband say when he heard you were having lunch with a handsome Airman? =)

    But really I’m very sorry that you have had a hard time. A girl I knew from college killed herself. She wasn’t a great friend or anything but it really haunted me when I heard about her suicide. I have even occasionally had dreams where she is still alive and I wake up and feel sad all over again. I said something negative to her once, and while I know that had nothing to do with her suicide years later, I still wished I hadn’t said it. What was the point? Why make her any unhappier in life then she already was?

    Oh well. I can’t imagine killing myself either. I mean, I’m going to die eventually right? Why speed things up? I like being alive!

  2. RiverRatRanger Says:

    In 27 years as a psych nurse I’ve seen an overload of suicides, suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, etc. I’ve developed a great impatience with it. With the notable exception of sacrificing yourself for others, like a soldier throwing himself on a hand grenade to save his buddies, or to escape great physical suffering, it’s the ultimate act of selfishness. To commit suicide is to say that no one else’s feeling are as important as your own, that your own personal problems are of greater importance to the world than the misery you will cause. I know something of the statistics also… to just ATTEMPT suicide is to double the chances that your casual aquaintences will do the same. It quadruples the chance that your close friends or relatives will do so. The odds that your significant other or immediate family will self harm is increased 8-10 times just from the simple fact you did it. That is why after a suicide schools rush to get counsellors talking to the friends and classmates about it. I remember Job… the worst things that could happen to a man (except the loss of a spouse) happened to him. His wife said “Curse God and die!”.. which is to say, commit suicide. Here’s his response… “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accpt good from God and not trouble?” And the scripture goes on… “In all this, Job did not sin….”

    Remember, God tell us to “choose life”. The other messages are from the pit.


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