Ladyrebecca's Musings and Ramblings

The Increasingly Political Thoughts of Rebecca (Becky) Walker

:( June 8, 2010

Filed under: Anecdotal,germany,military,parenting — Addicted to Yarn @ 10:28 am

I hate this. I’ve been back in Germany for three days. Today is day four. I am cranky. I am depressed. I am completely unmotivated. I am short with my daughter. I don’t want to do anything but sit at my kitchen table and stare off into space. I don’t even want to watch a movie or TV. I don’t want to read a book, even though I picked up a number from the library that looked interesting.

My daughter taught herself how to ride her bike without training wheels. *note: her dad spent all last summer instructing her and helping her but it didn’t all click until yesterday when she was practicing on her own. End note* All she wants this morning from me is for me to watch her and be proud of her. And I don’t want to. Why? Because it would mean going outside. Is it bad outside? No. There’s only a light cloud cover. It’s not too hot. Not too cold. I just don’t want to face the world.

There are some legitimate reasons for me feeling overwhelmed/undermotivated. We spent three days in an airport terminal waiting for a flight. Space-A is free so it’s hard to resent a flight to Germany costing me nothing but a few nights in a hotel, an uncomfortable night in a terminal, and three days of Jael playing with other kids while I hung out with absolutely nothing to do but play sudoku and chat with other stranded families. It was actually not too bad but because of the late nights and necessarily early mornings (check out time from hotels and the cold, hard floors of airports) took their toll. Then add in jet-lag once we got here and you have some very tired people.

When we finally got back to Germany, our car wouldn’t start. The battery was dead, which wasn’t too big of a surprise. What was a surprise was the rusted brakes. Rusted enough that we couldn’t push the car back so the jumper cables of the nice family that was helping me would reach. So we had to go to the BX (on a Saturday, nonetheless) and buy longer jumper cables so we could connect the two sets so it would stretch the length of my car. In hindsight, after talking with my husband, I think there might be cables in the car already but at the time, I was convinced we didn’t have any. I attribute this lapse in memory to aforementioned lack of sleep. Once the car started, it ran fine and we got back home without incident.

Upon returning to our house, it smelled like abandoned house – and a little something more. The little something more was two fold. The first was the two pumpkins I had forgotten on the windowsill. The interior windowsill. They started out as two tall pumpkins, maybe 12 inches high. They ended as one 12-inch tall pumpkin and one 3-inch pumpkin. The now-shorter pumpkin had fallen in on itself and the resulting goo had run off the windowsill onto the floor and the radiator. I threw the pumpkins away, using spatulas to scrap the mashed one off the sill. I scrubbed the carpet many times with many different things but it still smelled faintly of rotten pumpkin. Which, having smelled other rotten things, is really not too bad.

The second funky smell was Jael’s room. Jael’s room, which shares a wall with the bathroom, had mold. It had mold growing up the wall about two feet. It had mold growing across the carpet about two feet out from the wall. A peek into the bathroom suggested a clue as to the cause. The shower faucet was dribbling from the wall. Regardless of cause, the result was that my daughter’s room was destroyed. She definitely couldn’t sleep there which meant that I STILL do not get to sleep in my own bed. I could put her bed in my room and still sleep on my bed but I am really, really, really ready to sleep in a room by myself. I could put her out in the living room but I think she’d be “scared” and I REALLY want her to go to sleep without a fight. Which seemed to work. Mom’s room was apparently “safe” enough because she passed out immediately.

Sunday and Monday are a blur. I got a lot done on those two days. About two-thirds of the bags are unpacked. I picked up the mail (all my packages beat me here). I got a test date for my proctored exam, which I only have to get 80% on to get an A in the class so, no, I’m not really studying for it. I am going to try to read the last three chapters today and tomorrow so I’m not completely BSing my way through it but – yeah, mostly I plan on BSing my way through it.

I got a lot done the last two days but they are blurry because I was soooooooo tired. Sunday night, Jael fell asleep on the kitchen floor, almost mid-sentence. I, on the other hand, did not fall asleep until about 2 am. Jael woke up about 2:15 am. She tried to play quietly but I was not able to really fall back asleep. *sigh* That’s why I can’t really remember Monday super well.

Where was I going with this? I don’t really remember. I think maybe my point was that while there are some real “downer” happening – exhausted, jet-lag, sudden downsizing to a one-bedroom (landlord has fixed the leak which required tearing into Jael’s wall and the bathroom wall. Her carpet is torn out and half her wallboard gone) – none of these are really adequate to explain my extreme and utter depression. It’s not even that cloudy out! We landed on an absolutely gorgeous sunny day. I almost didn’t believe we were in Germany when we landed. Seriously. It was that sunny. But regardless of it all, I am depressed.

Of course, I’m also suddenly alone for the first time in four months. So is my daughter. Suddenly, I’m her only friend again and her getting together with friends requires something from me that I just don’t have to give – hanging out with her friend’s parents. It’s not that I don’t like my daughter’s friends’ parents (Hi Sherri!) but I do not have the energy to carry on a conversation, much less make myself socially presentable (I’ve not worn a bra since I got back from the base yesterday). She keeps asking if her friends can come over and I don’t know how to explain that while I am not overly concerned with “impressing” people, I don’t especially want anyone over while her room and my room are messily combined, the house smells of rotten pumpkin and mold, and I can’t remember my name.

Speaking of remembering, I couldn’t remember my mailbox combination. I’m not surprised as I would return from Spring Break and not be able to remember my locker combination in high school. Somethings never change. 🙂


3 Responses to “:(”

  1. Ellen Says:

    Hang in there my dear your hubby will be home soon and this will all be but an unhappy memory. I love you and I wish I was there to help you out.

  2. Kristen Says:

    I understand and admire your willingness to share this with us

  3. ladyrebecca Says:

    Thank you, Ellen, for your encouragement. I wish you were here, too.

    Kristen, thank you for your kind words. I’ve decided that hiding things is stupid. It deprives me of release and deprives the world from knowing the real Becky and, in consequence, I am deprived from knowing the real anyone else. So I’m trying to be more open and honest about what’s going on inside of me.

    Hopefully no one’s too shocked or horrified. 🙂

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