The waiting begins today. My husband will arrive home sometime in the next 24 – 144 hours. I’m not sure if any part of this deployment has been as hard as these next days of uncertainty will be. His deployment was to a very safe location and the upcoming plane trips (of which there are many) will be the most dangerous part of his time away from us.
And honestly, I’m scared. Before he signed off our chat session this morning, he said, “If something happens to me, do whatever it takes to be happy. Find something to be joyous in and enjoy the life you have.” I thought about that and found it interesting. Israel doesn’t make me happy. Him being gone does not remove my capacity for happiness. His absence does, however, affect me. It affects me greatly. Happiness and joy are harder when he’s away. Smiles take a few more muscles. Frowns a few less. My fuse is a little shorter, my patience a little more worn out. Beautiful scenery has a bittersweet overtone to it that I can not ignore. There is a blandness that permeates all food, no matter how good. Music is less well crafted and less soulful.
I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if something happened to Israel. The things we want to do would not be fun without him. Without his perspective, I’m not sure I would be able to pull them off, anyway. I’ve not met Israel’s equal among men nor have I ever heard of his equal so it’s not like I could replace him. Our dreams for our daughter center around Israel being here. Our plans for our coffee shop center on Israel being there. The apartment complex we’ve planned is centered on Israel being a part of that.
And that is why I am scared. The Air Force manages to screw up more often than not and my husband’s life and the lives of his fellow airmen are not the only things hanging in the balance. Everything I see for my life hangs there as well. Everything I see for my daughter’s future hangs there. The friendship that he gives to many others hangs there as well. It is very scary to place such a precious thing in the hands of such an incompetent organization. I wish that wishing worked because I would wish really, really, really hard for the Air Force to get this right.