Ladyrebecca's Musings and Ramblings

The Increasingly Political Thoughts of Rebecca (Becky) Walker

Depression January 10, 2011

Filed under: Anecdotal — Addicted to Yarn @ 3:50 pm

I am depressed. Possibly more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life. And you know what’s funny? I can feel that it is only skin deep. It’s only a layer of depression over my otherwise, happy self. When something funny happens, I smile and laugh. When something sweet happens, I feel warm and fuzzy. But in between those times, there is a heaviness that can not be ignored. I’ve been spending time in front of a sun lamp and it seems to be helping somewhat. I may have to buy one so that I can do it twice a day instead of just once. But I’m too depressed to make a $200 decision. I put Rammstein on my iPod and turned it way up and danced myself breathless and it pushed the heaviness away for a time. I’ve been knitting and crocheting a lot and the monotony of it keeps me from noticing the heaviness for a time.

My daughter’s birthday is this weekend and I’m too depressed to plan a party so we’ve agreed that having a few friends over to play is better than nothing. I’ve not gotten her a present yet. I’ve half a dozen things planned but many of them require an internet order and, because I’m depressed, I put them off for far too long. So now she’s going to get some crap we can find on the picked over shelves at our already limited selection BX. It sucks. And I don’t even feel very bad. I just feel sad that Jael will associate her birthday with me being depressed. Mayhaps we’ll have some sun and this weekend will be a happy time.

Or the cloud cover will stick around and I’ll spend the weekend battling tears.


2 Responses to “Depression”

  1. Mongolian Beef Says:

    Perhaps unfounded depression is the worst kind. Eat as properly as you can and maintain balanced circadian rhythyms, etc. All common sense things but amazing how much your brain can go out of whack because of all that.

    Your daughter seems like an intelligent girl. If she is picking up on your condition, it may be a good idea to explain that you are going through a phase (as terrible as it is to use a cliche parenting term) and it is nothing to do with her.

    Keep stepping, Lady Rebecca!

  2. Lisa Says:

    I’m right there with you…

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