Grey hairs February 21, 2010

I just want to say this. I need to say it. It’s something that’s been on my mind for quite some time and it’s time that I was honest about this. Some people may take offense. If they do, I hope that they can look beyond their narrow mindedness and see the truth behind what I am saying.

I love my grey hair. I think it’s beautiful. When I look in the mirror and I see the grey streaking through my dark curls, I think it’s lovely. The contrast is wonderful. The difference between feel is fun. The grey hairs are wiry and tough, my still dark hairs are soft and fine.

I had a hair stylist ask me if premature greying ran in my family. I was shocked by her question, first for its audacity and second for its obvious attempt at profiting from my shattered self esteem. I’ve not returned to her since. I actually haven’t gotten a hair cut since then because I do not trust my hair to someone that thinks the beauty of my grey hairs are something to ashamed of and hidden from the world. To be ashamed of them is to be ashamed of the life I’ve lived. Ashamed of giving birth to the world’s most amazing child. Ashamed of marrying the world’s most wonderful man (sorry world – I don’t share). Ashamed of walking the path that has led to me being me.

I know that many out there do not like their grey and I hope that they are able to find some solace in their bottles of hair dye but for me, the beauty of it and the life it represents is solace enough.

TV, Self Esteem, and Bags of Hershey’s Kisses August 27, 2008

I received a comment on my “I’m fat. Fat and Sexy” blog and wrote the commenter an email. After I sent it, I realized I’d written a small book and thought I’d post it as a blog. I’m lazy and I want to get some blogs in before the end of the month. That and I think I had some good things to share. A lot of it is things I said in the above mentioned blog and in “Self Loathing and How to Get Rid of It” but I think those things bear repeating.

Hey there,

I’m not sure if you were actually asking for advice or not but I’m going to give it and if you didn’t want a response, feel free to delete this. 🙂

You said: “I am about 50 pounds over weight and it kills me. Anything I try doesn’t seem to help I can’t make myself eat right or even get off the couch to walk my dogs lord forbid I even consider the thought of excerise. How do you do it? How do you make your self feel fine in a body you don’t want? I would give anything to have my fit high school body back. I don’t know how to get my real self back.”

First of all, I am also overweight. I am about 230 pounds and I think 160-180 would be a healthy weight for me. I’ve not seen that since highschool so it may be unrealistic. I don’t know and I’ll cross that bridge when I’m a little closer to those numbers. So, I understand about being 50+ pounds over weight.

Second of all, I HATE eating healthy and I HATE excercising…if the goal is to lose weight. When the goal is feeling alive, it’s not so hard. Don’t get me wrong, I am no health food junkie or workout freak. I’m doing good if I work out once a week (and by work out I mean belly dance for thirty minutes or so until I’m sweaty). There are a few things I do that help me maintain the thirty pounds I’ve already lost. I don’t watch TV. Let me tell you a story.

Two years ago, my husband had to spend six weeks in another state doing some training. While he was away, I watched the entire series of Friends. I ate bags of Hershey’s Kisses and Peanut Butter Cups. I ate a jar of Salsa Con Queso and a bag of tortilla chips in one setting. I ate ice cream for meals. And when he got back, I felt worse about myself than I ever had before. Upon his return, I laid off the crap and quit watching hours of TV and movies a night but I still watched probably an hour or so of TV or movies a day. I joined Curves and lost about 30 pounds. I was eating healthier and riding my bike most every day. I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then he left for three weeks of training and while I managed to not pig out so much, I started watching a couple of hours of TV/movies a night and by the time he returned, my self esteem was at an all time low. I cut myself off from TV and movies completely and within a month, I was feeling more like
myself and within a couple of months I found my self esteem soaring.

So, advice number one. Quit watching TV. It rots your brain and it rots your body. What do you do in your free time? Learn to crochet. Learn to knit. Learn to dance. Join a book club. Join the SCA (which my husband calls an excuse for chubby girls to wear corsets…not that he’s complaining). Take some college courses. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Get a part time job. Clean your house. I don’t know what interests you but I know that when I quit watching hours of TV, I found I had hours more to my day.

Advice number two is this: Quit worrying about getting your highschool body back. You aren’t who you were in highschool. You are older and more mature (hopefully). You have more life experience. That’s good. The thing to do is, and I tell my four year old who wants to grow up faster this, be the best you can be today. I will never be 27 and 30 days away from going to Europe for the first time ever again. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I should be the best I can be today. That said, I don’t worry about eating healthy to lose weight. I think about eating in such a way that at the end of the night, the waistband of my pants isn’t too tight. I try to eat in a way that I will still respect myself in the morning. I try to eat in a way that makes me feel good about myself.

These are things that have helped my self esteem improve. I have no idea if they will help anyone else. I hope I’ve given you some things to mull over at least.

Anyway, this has probably been way more than you ever expected or probably even wanted but I’m wishing the best for you and if you want to talk more, just drop me a line.

Becky

Big Girls You Are Beautiful! July 27, 2008

Big Girls, You Are Beautiful

This makes me want to cry. I’ve found my new theme song.